Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Answering the Call (of Nature)

No matter how well you plan out your trip, no matter how much a stickler you are for sticking to your schedule so you can get from Virginia to Montana in exactly 13 hours  and 4 minutes (don't get excited, I made that number up), eventually you are going to be thrown off by the greatest roadtrip counterforce of them all - the need to stop for a bathroom.

There is a lot to consider when making a pit stop.  First of all, how long are you planning on stopping?  If you have little kids with you, assume a minimum of twenty minutes.  Oh sure, you're saying that you can get everyone out of the car in 18 seconds, herd them into the stalls, and get everyone re-seated and buckled in under 5 minutes.  Hogwash.  It takes little kids on a roadtrip at least three minutes to extricate themselves from their cheerios-encrusted seats, several minutes to wander around aimlessly, and a couple more minutes to remember that the reason that you stopped in the first place is because they really really REALLY needed to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW.

(The good news is, that as kids get older it is possible for them to move quicker.  My kids now set a goal of making pit stops that take seven minutes or less.)

Once you have decided to stop, the question is where should you stop.  If you have kids who are in the midst of toilet training, you may not have much of a choice - they have limited biological patience and thus the next exit will be your default destination.  We have seen some extremely creepy bathrooms and several cornfields as a result of this need.  But, if everyone can wait a bit, here is the collective advice from the Ross hivemind of where to stop:

1) Hotels.  This is the preference of the Mrs. Ross part of the hivemind, and for good reason.  No question, these will be the nicest bathrooms.  After all, hotels have housekeeping services, and they clean the public areas as well as the guest rooms.  Hotels likely also have vending machines near the bathrooms in case anyone needs a treat/bribe.  Depending on how much of a rush you are in, hotels may be a few minutes off of the highway.

2) Truck stop.  These are those big all-in-one chains with names like T/A, Flying J, and Love's.  They are made for the guys who drive the big rigs for hours upon hours, day after day, and thus they tend to include not only clean bathrooms, but also a gas station, a restaurant or two, a store when you can buy snacks as well as souvenirs and often vital roadtrip equipment (like a nice selection of movies), and even showers.

3) State-run rest stops.  Most major interstates and highways have a series of places to stop - these are the ones referred to by signs that say "Next Stop - 126 miles".  These stops are often cookie-cutter within a state, which can be a good thing if the state has bothered to do a good job with them.  Our champion thus far are the stops on Route 80 through Ohio - large, airy dining courts with several restaurants, lots of vending options, and large and clean bathrooms.  The various stops on the New Jersey Turnpike, which are named for famous and not-so-famous (and sometimes really not-so-famous) New Jerseyans are a bit smaller (appropriate for one of the most densely populated states in the nation), but are also generally a slam-dunk, with several dining and vending options.

When it comes to these rest stops, it is important to read the signs.  A rest area or parking area may be nothing more than a glorified shoulder, allowing you to stop your car for a few moments.  Sometimes, there are bathrooms and maybe some maps and perhaps a couple of vending machines, but not much else.  The blue signs leading up to stop will usually have the relevant information, and a decent map will as well.  Of course, these stops lie right on the highway, so you will not lose time getting on and off beyond what it takes to get out of the car, take care of business, and pile back in.

Next time: Some entries into our rest stop Hall of Fame.

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